The Compassionate Argument

Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

Dalai Lama

Disagreements crop up all the time. They show up at work when you disagree with a colleague about the best course of action, with a family member on politics, or even internally with yourself when you know you’ve done something out of character.

We have all experienced a fight or argument with someone where things got heated quickly, both sides drew their lines in the sand, and no one was the better for it.

Regardless of the situation, whether you’re in the right or in the wrong, you’re responsible for how you act. It is your job to bring the best version of yourself to the situation. Nonetheless, we can fall prey to our most basic instincts. Why not learn to prevent this?

Step 1: Step Back and Breathe

Take yourself out of the heat of the moment for just a couple of seconds. Say “Step back, step back, step back” in your head and commit to taking two 4x4x4x4 breaths (a navy seal breathing exercise meant to relax your parasympathetic nervous system). This entails a 4-second count breathing in, holding for 4, exhaling for 4, holding for 4, and then repeating the cycle. This has been shown to stop our knee-jerk reactions and give us time to thoughtfully approach the discussion or argument.

Step 2: Listen Before You Rebuttal

We all know the drill. Before the other person is even done with their sentence we begin thinking “who do they thinking they are” and formulate our defense, completely missing what the other individual might have to say.

So next time someone shares their thoughts with you, remain open and interested in hearing what they have to say. Then say “I understand…” or “I hear you…” before repeating back to them what they said.

Feeling heard is one of the most important things in any discussion as we all have been on the receiving end of someone closed off to what we have to say. It can be one of the most frustrating things and literally feels like you’re talking to a wall.

Stay present and listen to what they have to say before you formulate your response.

Step 3: It’s How You Say It

Everyone has heard the saying “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Science has shown the break down actually is 55% nonverbal (stance and expression), 38% paraverbal (tone), and 7% what you say.

This means in reality, only 7% of the other person’s interpretation will come from what you say and 93% will be how you say it. This is crucial as your side of the story will be completely missed if you’re communicating it in a standoffish or condescending manner.

Step 4: Know Your Silver Bullet

The silver bullet in this case is not actually aimed at the other person but at ourselves. This is what happens when we get to a tipping point in a disagreement. Our fight or flight response is activated and we no longer listen to reason. We dig our heels into our side of the debate and after that, it’s clear no one learns a damn thing.

We all know someone who ignores reason and begins yelling, they may become silent and drone out the other person, they might leave the argument altogether or they get physical. You’re probably thinking of people right now in past arguments you’ve had and likely you’re thinking, “they had this issue but I didn’t.” Well, I hate to tell you that you too have your own instinctual response.

Your ego will immediately try to blame the other person as “It was their fault for talking to you like that” but the real answer was it was you that reacted the way you did.

I know my silver bullet, as it was pointed out to me two and a half years ago by a good friend, is that I can become condescending in an argument. That’s my subconscious defense mechanism and once it comes out it makes the other person feel like they aren’t being listened to and that they are being talked down to. As you probably can imagine, not much productive conversation takes place after that.

Our actions are a choice we make consciously or subconsciously. If it is a subconscious, it is a reaction and we have no hope to control it in the heat of the moment. However, if you take the time right now to take a look at what your natural defense mechanism is, we can learn to control our actions by simply noticing when those feelings to yell, run away, or get physical crop up.

I spend a lot of time trying to be aware of my silver bullet and as a result, I have had great success in becoming aware of when my parasympathetic nervous system takes over and I want to be condescending. This isn’t to say it doesn’t still happen but I will say I’m in far more control than I ever have been. By examining ourselves, real growth begins.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Mahatma Gandhi

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Real Courage is Compassion and Forgiveness

The greatest men and women in history such as Mahatma Gandhi, MLK, and the Dalai Lama all chose to show love toward those responsible for beating, oppressing and killing those around them. Rather than fight with hate, they chose to kill them with kindness.

Don’t you think that if these great people are able to open their hearts, to love and to forgive in the most extreme of human injustices, that we can do the same in some little argument we’ve had with a friend or family member?

Don’t let your ego lead you to your own demise. Humble yourself and swallow your pride. Next time you find yourself in an argument, don’t close down and return to your primal fight or flight instincts. Stay open, listen, and with a compassionate heart, seek to have a dialogue with them. Real courage isn’t shown in fighting with malice, but rather in opening our hearts.