Do not try to do for your brother what he must do for himself.
Paul Ferrini
We’ve all had the chance to bear witness to someone making the obviously wrong choice in life. In our minds, we’re screaming “WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!” This feeling is only amplified when it’s someone you care about deeply. However, we’re not exempt from this either. Believe it or not, we’re also capable of making mistakes.
Your nose is located right above your mouth. Imagine if you didn’t brush your teeth for 3 days. Though the nose is less than an inch away from the mouth, it won’t tell you that your breath smells. The whole room will know it but you won’t.
It’s very easy to notice what’s wrong in others but it takes tremendous awareness to notice what needs changing within us. Even when we have the self-awareness to recognize our habits and pitfalls, we still have the task of performing the inner work to make lasting changes.
Have you ever tried to change something about yourself? Have you noticed how tough that can be? Well now imagine how little impact you’ll have on someone else, especially one who is not asking for your help to change.
The difference between a pest and a guest is an invitation.
Joshua Medcalf
How often do you turn to someone to vent and they end up telling you what you “should” be doing? Their intentions were to help you, to alleviate your pain, but more than likely you became annoyed with their efforts because you just wanted them to listen. You were most likely looking for a way to release and process the emotions you were feeling.
Often, when someone is venting we can ask one simple question, “Do you want me to listen, or would you like advice?” 4/5 times the answer is they just want someone to listen to them without any judgment.
In reality, getting everything out in the air might be what allows them to clearly see their predicament and the path through it. Doing less is more.
Staying in your lane may mean not debating with others over politics, not getting pulled in by drama, or one of your other triggers that get you caught up in your emotions. In doing this, you may feel like you’re taking the easy, passive approach to life but this is not the case.
The decision to stay in your lane requires a healthy serving of patience as you watch them make choices that may or may not be in their best interest. I’m sure as you’ve seen from personal experience, it requires far more discipline to be quiet than to speak your two cents.
Here, however, you are being far more proactive and helpful when you meet them in trusting compassion than if you were to try to tell them what they ought to do. Let them find their own way. You may even be allowing them to learn a lesson or two on their own.
I was watching a documentary on Jane Goodall a few years ago where she discussed why she was able to have the impact she’s had on the world. In it, she said she’s never tried to influence someone by arguing or debating with them. She knew that would never change the way they thought. Instead, she would tell stories, stories that reached their hearts.
She said only when she reached their hearts would change become a possibility.
The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.
When you grip sand too firmly it slips through your fingers. When you try to control others, it’s likely that you’ll only push them away. To bring them closer, to truly help them, you must open your heart and rest in loving awareness with them.
Sometimes all you can do is be there for those you love.
Think about the relationships you’ve had with dogs. You love them immensely yet they never say a word. I’d argue that it’s precisely because they don’t say anything that we love them so much. They show up for us day in and day out without any thought of what they want (unless you’ve got some treats).
Whenever they see us they are elated and when we leave they wait patiently for our return. They forgive our past mistakes when we step on their tail by accident or forget a meal. They are forgiving, they are loving, and they love us regardless of our ups and downs, successes and failures. They just want to be with you. This is unconditional love.
Isn’t that the kind of love we’d all like to receive?
Next time you look to change someone, take a moment to think about how you would like to be treated. I’d bet that you’d just want some unconditional love regardless of the choice you make. Most importantly, I bet you’d like the choice to be yours.
It is not our responsibility to change others through reason but to love them as they are. All you can do is be there for them and realize that this is their journey whether the obstacle is big or small. Only when they ask for help will your advice be welcomed and your impact profound.
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“She knew that would never change the way they thought. Instead, she would tell stories, stories that reached their hearts.”
This part is so well thought out because when you said being silent takes more discipline than speaking your mind, you are so right! This one resonates almost perfectly with me, I always try to help others by verbally telling them what they are doing and how to fix it and this is probably why I don’t have too many close friends any more now that I think about it. I learn from my mistakes very well and always try to form new habits that can create change. I always want the better for someone else and I’ve now realized the only way to do this is to share stories that may resonate and change their perspective!
Great take on this man, love this one.
I love how you said “
Yea, I feel you on this one. I’ve had to learn from my own failures to stay in my lane. I’m glad it helped open up the way of thinking with you but it seems like you already have been doing it! You’re killing it at sharing through the stories you tell with your videos. Each one feels more authentic than the last.