Becoming Whole

It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.

Joseph Cambell

Many of us believe that external events and circumstances dictate if we have a good or bad day. However, self-mastery has nothing to do with external events. It only has to do with the self. Fortunately, this is an area we have direct control over. 

The climate we create within determines our perspective of the world around us. It is not the events in our lives that matter, but our attitude toward them that does.

To create real internal change, we are no longer afforded the option of continuing our habits without examination.

We do this not by forcing a new way of thinking but by accepting where we are in our current mental routines. Most of us are not even fully aware of how our subconscious conditioning controls our thoughts and perceptions. But this is ok. It is the process of discovering these routines that becomes so exciting. 

However, for now, we must first understand that there is nothing wrong with your current thinking. It has actually helped keep you safe and get you to where you are now. But just like the progression of medicine for the body, we can learn new helpful and healthy mental routines to substitute old ways of thinking. 

Most of us believe we have to whip ourselves to get us moving and create change mentally. We think that we will never get anything done if we don’t. Yes, sometimes we need this initial push, but this will only lead to burnout and frustration in the long term. How would it feel having someone in your ear constantly telling you that you’re not good enough and that you need to work harder? You’d get pretty fed up with that person.

Now imagine that person gets you going with a little prod, but they spend the rest of the ride telling you that they’re proud of the work you’re doing, that all of this work will not go unappreciated, that you have potential, and that you can do this. This is the mind we want to create. 

Positive reinforcement in any action has been proven time and time again to be far more effective than negative conditioning. 

Imagine if Pavlov beat his dogs instead of giving them treats. I think we’d all like to be given treats along the journey, especially when things aren’t going our way. We need all of the support we can get. Imagine if there was a story about The Little Engine That Couldn’t. As he was climbing that hill, he continued to chant, “I think I can’t. I think I can’t. I think I can’t.” How ridiculous does that sound to you?

Well, we’ve all been the little engine who couldn’t at one point or another. But this is the thinking we must learn to change. We must create an internal climate that rewards our good actions and, even more so, supports us on our journey when we aren’t at our best. 

True self-mastery is an understanding and acceptance of a well chartered and mapped mind. Invalidating and gaslighting our own feelings and emotions just creates more mental tension and stress.

We’ve learned these unhealthy patterns over years of mental conditioning, and undoing them so we can replace them with healthier habits will take time. The impediment to our advancement has been our own minds. Let’s remove that barrier and allow it to help us instead.

A movie that best summarizes this is Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. In it, Luke Skywalker has a vision in which he is drawn to a dark cave. As he approaches it, he hears footsteps coming, and out walks Darth Vader. Luke duels with Vader and cuts off his head with a lightsaber. When Vader’s head rolls to the feet of Luke, the front of the mask pops off, and we see that below the mask is Luke’s own face.

We must each enter into our cave where it is darkest. This is where our growth begins. In having the courage to face these demons, we grow confident that we can handle anything that comes our way. However, it is not through slaying our dragon that we can realize our true potential, but it is in loving and accepting that part of us that creates true inner strength and wholeness.

This cave we must enter is where we find part of ourselves that has been missing for years. Carl Jung called this part of our psyche our “shadow.” It consists of the part of us that we repress. This can be anything from the desires we don’t act upon, the emotions we don’t want to feel, or our perceived shortcomings as individuals that we try to hide from ourselves and the outside world. 

It’s called our shadow because it lives in the shadow of our ego, but nonetheless, it is ours. It is a part of us. 

Our shadow impacts our life whether we know it or not. Maybe we were told not to show anger as a child, and so instead, we buried that emotion and never learned to express it in a healthy way. Maybe we’ve failed at something and felt embarrassed, so we try not to make those mistakes again for fear of what others may think. Maybe you’ve wanted to chase a different path in life, but everyone told you it was a dumb idea, so you never acted. We must learn to be ok with this so it no longer controls us.

This part of us is not separate from who we are, so we must get to know this aspect of our minds. Because we have spent so long avoiding these pains and insecurities, it can be tough to notice when they are, in fact, bubbling to the surface. 

This is the part of us that holds us back in life, not because it is not capable, but because with half our mind’s energy focused on pushing away half of who we are, it doesn’t have enough energy to be spent on what we want to do. It’s like if two people were in a canoe but paddling in opposite directions.

We must welcome them back into the whole of our being. When we feel difficult emotions, we must tell ourselves that they are all ok. All of those feelings are valid. Whatever they are, they’re ok to feel. Just like when a person is upset or crying, sometimes all they need is a little love and support.

We are learning how to love the part of us that we have held at a distance. Maybe it is guilt, sadness, grief, fear, frustration, anger, hatred, or jealousy. We are bringing all of these parts back to the whole of us. We must accept who we are. We must accept what we feel. We must see that this is all ok.

Self-mastery includes expanding our emotional vocabulary of what is ok to feel. Rather than trying to avoid these parts of us, we welcome them home.

Imagine that your shadow is you as a child. This child is going through life with you but is constantly being neglected and rejected. They are likely scared and have a swell of emotions bottled up. In your mind, I want you to walk up to this part of you, walk up to your childlike self, and I want you to hug them. Wrap your arms around them and tell them everything will be ok. It’s all ok now. Rest here with them for a second, and you can see that it is safe when we welcome that part of us back to the rest of our being.

Now, rather than resisting that part of us, you’re simply resting there with them. You’re lying at the bottom of the ocean watching the waves above; how interesting they are as they crash and swirl. This is your center; to be ok with whatever we are feeling and just watch the array of complex emotions.

This is why telling your mind to calm down or to repress emotions is a whole lot like telling an angry spouse just to calm down. As we know, that never works. Learn to be ok with whatever is. Tell yourself this again: “It’s ok to feel whatever I’m feeling. It’s all ok.”

As you’ve been reading these words, you have been unconsciously giving me a voice of your choosing. I’ve heard that the voice is most often someone you want to hear. Maybe it’s a parent, maybe it’s a child of yours, or maybe, just maybe, it is your own. Maybe you’ve been waiting to hear these words from yourself all along.

Now repeat this: “I love you. You are worthy of love. You’ve been trying really hard, and I see you. I’m proud of you. You’re doing a great job. Keep up the fight, and don’t give up. You’ve got this.”

This is how we connect with our shadow. Our shadow is the part of ourselves that is neglected and never got the love it needs. Become friends with your shadow. Learn to talk to it, to welcome it in, and the inner tension within your heart and mind will dissolve away. 

We’ve misunderstood the process of becoming emotionally healthy as killing our inner demons when in reality, it’s just giving broken pieces of ourselves little hugs. Rather than through aggression, we heal through love and compassion. This is how you become whole.