If I asked you to name everything you loved, how long would it take for you to name yourself?
Self-love is a skill that many of us were not taught. Yes, it is a skill, one that can be honed and fostered. Self-love is an act. It is how we show up for ourselves on a daily basis. It is how we talk to ourselves in our best and worst moments. And it affects every aspect of our lives.
I used to think my worth was dependent on what I accomplished. It was based on how hard I worked, how much I strived, and what I did each day to pursue my goals in life. But this is the definition of conditional love. It isn’t the type of unconditional love we dream of from a spouse or family member. It is shallow and based only on what we can do, not a love for who we are.
Truly unconditional self-love is an acceptance of who we are, loving both the good and bad, and realizing we are perfect as we are. Like your dog’s face lighting up when you get home. This is not to say we will not strive to improve ourselves, but more so that we will not attach shame to actions we might deem unworthy. Our self-love and self-talk can be the foundational support we rely on when the going gets tough. Self-love has been shown to boost emotional resilience, appreciation of life, confidence, a positive mindset, and a positive outlook on life. How, then, do we build this skill?
Under pressure, you don’t rise to the occasion, you sink to the level of your training – The Navy SEALS
The Olympics are wrapping up right now, and I couldn’t help but notice how inspired I felt watching some of these athletes perform. These people prove just how indomitable the human spirit can be and inspire us to become something greater than the sum of our parts. It makes me appreciate what it is to be human. These individuals train for years, give up so much of their lives to dedicate themselves to one pursuit, and they never give up on their dreams. They are the best in the world at what they do. But they are the best in the world at one talent more than anything else… their mindset.
I have read countless books on top performers, from athletes to meditators to CEOs, that look at what makes these individuals so great at their craft. The one common thread is a self-belief that transcends all obstacles they face. In fact, those obstacles are the exact reason they became successful. Their mountain builds their self-belief “muscles.”
If you want to take a look at this first hand, watch a track star before they are lined up in the blocks, or one of the Olympic gymnasts before a routine. You’ll see them talking to themselves. At that moment, they are not focused on what could go wrong, getting a bad start off the blocks, or faltering in their routine. No. These moments are about building themselves up. They’ll say, “Trust your training,” “We’ve been here before,” and “I’ve got this.” Their whole life had been preparation for this moment, and when the pressure is on, they rely on their basics of self-love and self-belief. If the best in the world rely on this despite their years of training, who are we to forgo this and deem it unnecessary? They show us the true training they have been doing is in their minds.
So how do we begin to change this habit?
It all begins with how we talk to ourselves. You may notice how you berate yourself when you mess up. It can be something as little as spilling coffee on your shirt or having a cheat meal. Our mistakes are often looked at with shame. Michael Phelps was no different. He became overwhelmed by his negative self-talk and, as a result, slipped into a deep depression. He had spent all of those years pushing himself with shame and failure being the whip that drove his success. But this never led him to happiness or the true success he was looking for.
Michael Phelps came up with a strategy. Seeing that self-love is a habitual action, he realized all he needed to do was change the way he talked with himself, and that all began with his habits. He decided that every time he walked through a doorway, he would repeat an affirmation to himself. He would say I love myself, I’m proud of myself, or any other number of positive affirmations. Now, that doesn’t sound like a lot, but you’d be surprised just how many doorways you pass through. In doing so, he began to form a new habit of supporting himself and loving himself. And this seeped into the rest of his life.
I did the same thing with golf, except I would say something positive to myself both before and after a shot. Lo and behold, I began enjoying every aspect of golf. When I hit a bad shot, I wouldn’t berate myself but instead, think about what kind of interesting shot I would have next. Curiosity replaced fear, and now my love for the game, confidence in myself, and enjoyment of the process has skyrocketed.
True mental strength is being able to face whatever challenges come your way with resilience, confidence, and appreciation. The Navy SEALS say you do not rise to the level of your goals; you fall to the level of your systems, so let’s make sure the systems you have in place are founded upon the bedrock of self-love. So just for this week, try practicing self-love. Compliment yourself or repeat an affirmation to yourself whenever you walk through a doorway, respond to an email, or pick up your phone. There are a million ways to do this, but vow for this week, you will commit to making it a habit.
Self-love and self-belief are not traits we are born with; they are fostered and grown. Mistakes were once something I feared, associating them with shame and failure. Now, I view them as important lessons and stepping stones to a better version of myself. I now celebrate success for all of the right reasons. I accomplish my goals the way I want to, and whether I succeed or fail, I am proud of myself. I hope you find out who you are capable of being when you love yourself unconditionally.