Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Victor Frankl
We’ve all had those days when we wake up and it feels like the world is on our side. We feel energized, our breakfast tastes great, the music we listen to during our workout gets us pumped up, the sun is shining, and it’s as if the richness of life is a tangible thing we can reach out and feel. Even if we get stuck in traffic or someone annoys us at the grocery store, we could care less. The worries just fall by the wayside like water off a duck’s back.
But we’ve also experienced the inverse. We wake up on the wrong side of the bed, we’re tired, everything we do feels like a chore, and everything irritates us. What’s even more annoying is when someone comes by in a great mood, and you can see the gap between your day and theirs. These days, even when something goes well for us, it feels like a random stroke of luck, and dramatically, we believe life will always be as challenging as it is today.
What’s funny is that none of the events are what dictate this. It is our inner world, our opinions and judgments of those events, that creates the life around us.
Seneca put it well: “Each person is as miserable as he imagines himself to be.”
Our suffering is only as great as the distance between where we are and where we think we should be.
We each know of a person in our lives who seems to have all of the worst circumstances. Maybe they got into a terrible accident, lost a family member, just went through a divorce, or have painful medical conditions, and yet they seem to be as happy, if not happier, than before. It’s as if each time they are plunged into one of life’s challenges, they only grow in strength; they love life that much more.
I came across one such woman a few years ago. She had lost her husband and two children due to conflict in Eastern Europe, yet she was nothing but a beacon of light. It was as if all of this misfortune had caused her to break open and pour nothing but love into the world. This love could be felt when you walked into the room with her.
This has stuck with me over the years. I realized I aspired to have the inner strength that she expressed. She understood that true inner strength is having self-mastery over your perception of life’s events, not controlling the world around you. No people or events can knock you off your axis; they only empower you to dive deeper into yourself. This is the power we all have and one that life tasks us with honing through trials and tribulations.
I just returned from a coffee shop where I had tried to work, but the chronic fatigue has been so rough recently that I struggled to stay upright. I came home and curled up in bed to sleep for the 18th hour that day, frustrated, angry, and sad that I was unable to accomplish what I had set out to do. I am just tired of being too exhausted to live life. But when I lay down in bed, my first thought was, “I’m glad I tried today.” Yes, I have spent the last month in bed, unable to go camping with friends, play in the golf tournaments I’d like, or even have a simple meal with people. But today, I tried. And that is the mindset I’ve learned to have in recent years.
I’ve realized the importance of perspective in my life. Yes, I could be sad about all the things I am unable to do, but that is not able to change the fact that I can’t do them. There is a narrative that I’ve played in my head that in order to live a full life, it needs to be filled with activity and adventure, stories that I can tell future generations, but that is not the life I am currently living. And that is ok.
In Buddhism, one of the primary lessons is to learn to become aware of and drop the stories we are telling ourselves—to rest in the present moment. This is where our spiritual journey takes us next.
How do we begin changing these stories?
There is a song I love by the electronic music duo Odesza. It is the opening song to one of their best albums, A Moment Apart. The lyrics have been particularly significant to me because the album came out when I was first diagnosed with Lyme disease. This provided a great example of learning to love the process and love life, regardless of the circumstances. That is the only way to face life’s challenges. We either let ourselves be driven crazy or find a more empowering perspective. We can resist the flow of life or learn to float with it. These are the lyrics:
Do you know that story about the Russian cosmonaut?
So, he goes up in this big spaceship
And he’s got this portal window
And he’s looking out of it
And he sees the curvature of the Earth for the first time
And all of a sudden, this strange ticking
And it’s coming out of the dashboard
(Okay, yeah)
But he can’t find it; he can’t stop it
He keeps going
A few hours into this, it begins to feel like torture
What’s he gonna do?
He’s up in space!
So, the cosmonaut decides
The only way to save his sanity
Is to fall in love with this sound
It’s so easy to find ourselves in circumstances that we don’t like. We may be going through a break-up, find ourselves sick, or even something as simple as someone cutting us in line in the grocery store, but it is here that we are presented with “the last of the human freedoms.” We must choose our own way.
The cosmonaut had two choices: let this ticking sound annoy him and ruin his mental sanity, or he could learn to love it. Either way, the sound would persist, just as circumstances in our lives will, too, but his perspective of this ticking would determine the quality of this experience. Would he come to hate or enjoy it?
Frustration and anger have their place in the world, but as we can all attest, it’s not fun to feel this way for long periods. That can lead to bitterness, resentment, and depression. We’d much rather be feeling joy, love, bliss, and excitement. However, life is not always smooth sailing, and we are constantly tested as to how badly we want to feel this way. Life requires us to fall in love with whatever our circumstances are, even if they aren’t what we’d hoped.
Self-Mastery: a Warrior Mindset
When life throws us a curve ball, we can become paralyzed by anxiety and fear. We may be thrown into a new set of circumstances and have no playbook for dealing with them. Worse, if the stress is high enough, it can feel like we are losing ourselves. But this is where I have learned our most profound growth occurs.
Rather than becoming scared of this new way of life, we must learn to charge into it with curiosity. That is where our mastery of life is—the confidence that regardless of what is happening in our lives, we will be able to face it.
What determines our success is whether we are diving into these depths timid and scared of what might happen or excited for the adventure. If we look at new situations as a place to learn more about ourselves in a judgment-free way, we will ultimately grow. It is our judgment of ourselves that often hinders this progress. Rather than letting ourselves make mistakes, thinking we must be perfect, and not take a single step off the path, we must see that the path unfolds with each step. There is no wrong choice. Learning to approach our lives with this mindset helps us face the unknown.
An optimist views every event as another opportunity to experience life in its highs and lows. They feel open and free, as there is no wrong way to go through life. Things can always work out because they believe they can learn about themselves in even the most challenging of storms. They say, “Bring it on.”
But the pessimist will feel tight, claustrophobic, and anxious, not knowing which way to go. Both individuals have no idea what will happen next, but the perspective of each is what will lead to inner growth or to one shrinking from the challenge at hand. I urge you to try to face all of life with curiosity for what might come next. Give yourself the freedom to mess up because, as we all know, this is when we often learn the most.
Improve your self-talk to reflect this. Support yourself in your success, and even more so when you make a mistake or experience hardship. Look for the lessons in these moments. (see my previous post about self-talk)
I had a golf tournament last month, during which I had terrible flu-like symptoms. These symptoms were a direct result of treatments I had been going through, but I told myself all I wanted to do that day was finish all 18 holes. Anything else would be a blessing. I knew I wouldn’t have my best game as I was distracted by pain. I hit some shots I never would usually hit; I topped a ball just a few feet on the 9th hole, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed after ten holes. But I decided two things:
1) I would look for any lessons I could take away from the day. This will likely not be the last time I don’t feel great in a golf tournament, and I would like to know my habits so I can find what I can work on if I feel like this again.
2) My self-talk would be incredible, and I would focus on all of the positives today.
In the end, I finished all 18 holes, qualified for one of the tournaments I was hoping to play in (winning the qualifier), and had a chip in for an eagle on the third hole.
This day was one of my best days of the year, not because of the score I shot, but because of the person I was. I went into the day with the mentality I wanted; the circumstances would not dictate this for me. I learned what I wanted to. I supported myself in a way that made me proud to be my own friend. And I felt like my character and inner strength grew to new heights. This is what I strive for. This is what I consider a life well lived.
Today’s Practice: Perspective Shift
We must see life as our dojo, a spiritual training ground to become our best selves.
Begin by reviewing your life, specifically, what has been frustrating or hard recently. Maybe you’ve received bad news, have to set a boundary you don’t feel comfortable setting, or have been getting over a break-up. This is a perfect place to begin your training. Just pick one area of your life to practice today and vow to take a good look at not just the circumstances but how you’ve faced them. Then, brainstorm how you would like to face them. Find the empowering perspective that you believe and can get behind. Vow to return to your note when you feel this circumstance is triggering you.
Rather than being upset that you have to set a boundary with a person, look at it as a chance to practice an essential personal skill in self-respect in which you are looking to help the relationship. You wouldn’t be seeing a boundary unless you cared about this person. They may be open to what you have to say, or they may reject it, in which case, you can leave with your head held high and the knowledge that someone worthy of that boundary can come into your life.
The same is true for a break-up. This can feel emotionally draining, sad, and heartbreaking. You may even feel something is wrong with you or the dating pool. Maybe you believe it’s just bad luck. Or you can look at this as an opportunity to be grateful for the time you spent with that person, have faith that the right one will come into your life if you do the work, and any love you put out into the world is always well spent and likely to come back to you in unforeseen ways.
We always have a choice to view our lives differently. The question you have to ask yourself is, “Is the current way I’m looking at this event, circumstance, or person helping me feel good about my life, or do I feel worse?” If the latter is true, you have found your dojo once more. Now, practice looking inward for the empowering perspective that fuels your growth in character.
Everyone is looking for answers to their life’s problems. But no one else can provide the answers for you. Each of us has a different test, and what might be the answer for me may not be the answer for you. That is why we must look inward for our own solutions.
Life won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, but we can find contentment regardless. That is what makes the human spirit indomitable. So what will you decide to do? To be pessimistic about this one shot we have at life or to find the optimism to enjoy whatever comes your way? Learn to let go of control of your circumstances and fall in love with whatever you are facing. Life will happen; it is up to you to decide the meaning of it.