Life has an interesting way of teaching you things. In 2017 I graduated from SMU with a digital advertising degree. I had just moved to San Francisco to work in a sales position at Oracle. I was ready to sell some tech, enjoy the Bay area, and adult in the real world. I mean, just look at that headshot. I was ready to take on the world. I had made some great friends out there, and life seemed to just be falling into place. My plans were to work for a couple of years in a tech position where I could learn about sales before applying to grad schools back in Chicago and ultimately end up in venture capital. I’ve always been an optimistic guy, I loved being active and to travel, was family-oriented and thought I had my life planned out. At the same time, my life seemed to be unfulfilling, I just didn’t know why.
For close to a decade I had some health issues: migraines that persisted for over 9 months, vertigo, exhaustion, confusion, the list could go on. However, doctors I saw couldn’t pinpoint what was going on and these symptoms would disappear for months, making me half think I was losing my mind, or that this was just what you felt like in college. Then in the summer of 2018, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had gotten to the point where I was having trouble speaking, couldn’t remember simple things like the names of my family members, was sleeping for close to 14 hours a day and was getting weaker each week.
At this point, I realized something had to be wrong and I wasn’t crazy. I told my family what had been going on, and within 24 hours I was scheduled to see some of the best doctors in the Bay. I was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease, CIRS (Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrom), MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrom), POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), and a couple of other things which undoubtedly put me in a place physically and mentally at the lowest in my life. I was in excruciating pain from my nerve endings dying, and it felt like millions of needles poking into my skin. My brain was so swollen in the areas that control memory, cognition, and emotions that I was unable to talk and could barely understand what was being said to me for months. Within the first 60 days, I had lost over 35 pounds and was in too much pain to move. And yet… THIS WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!
My whole life came to an abrupt standstill. I was no longer pushing forward. When this happened, at first I struggled to find the positives. As I lost my ability to communicate, I was forced to sit with my own thoughts. While my body continued to fall apart, I realized there was more to me than just my body. I lay on a couch for months, and I found that what I had been striving for, what I had been working towards, was not my life but that of someone else. When I took the time to look through my life, I soon realized most of my decisions were made from a mindset of safety and protection, of both my ego and my mind. I had never made a decision that was dangerous (for my future), that had a high chance of failure, or that would give me opportunities to learn from my mistakes. SMU, my major, and my job, were all things that were relatively safe. If I applied “x” amount of hours, “y” would be the result.
I began looking at my life from a new perspective, and with it came the ability to make decisions driven by my passions, interests, and heart. I had been an accomplished golfer growing up, but my talent hadn’t amounted to anything special. I had the physical game, but my mind would crumble under pressure. Moreover, I never put in the proper hours to become the best I could be, thinking, “what if I failed?” I had won the Illinois High School State Championship as a senior, but I decided not to play college golf because I said I wanted to experience SMU to the fullest. That was a lie. I didn’t play because I was scared. What if I didn’t get better? What if I let my team down? How would others see me if I wasn’t good at what I based my entire identity around?
After discovering Buddhism, mindfulness, and gaining the courage to look at myself honestly, I began looking inward and truthfully answering these questions to discover where my true fears and faults lay. The further I dug, the more I began to break away some of the chunks of clay that I had put up to protect myself and my ego. I was learning who I really was and with it came a sense of relief. It has taken years to fully trust and be honest with myself on any shortcomings, but it has been the most liberating experience.
Once I am healthy, I am going to pursue a career in professional golf. Having not played collegiate golf, nor playing competitive golf in nearly 6 years, I understand the risks involved with this endeavor. However, it’s been my dream to do this, and I was just too scared to admit it. I now know that any failures, so-called setbacks, or mishaps in life are truly experiences to learn and grow from. With this new mentality, I know that success is not only possible but inevitable.
I would never wish this pain or disease on anyone, but I hope that by writing about my struggles, failures, and lessons learned, I can help at least one person gain a deeper understanding, appreciation, and love for themselves. I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made, or the path I’ve taken thus far because it has all led me to this moment and this place in the universe. I couldn’t have done this without the support of my family, friends, and community around me. I’m grateful every day for how you’ve helped me, and I hope I can repay your love and kindness, and then some.