About 14 days ago I stepped onto the first tee box for the first time in a year. I felt something familiar, but new all at the same time. It was anxiety, only this time it was different… I was present with it. My chest tightened and my breathing shallowed. However, each day of treatment for the past 6 months I had knowingly been getting ready for this.

Anxiety found a larger role in my life these past few years as my brain became swollen and my central nervous system hyperactive. The neurological effects were depression and anxiety. Anxiety in particular found sneaky little ways to hide from me, like a dog who just ate something it shouldn’t have. It became the tinted lens that would affect how I looked at the world around me.

This manifested in my life as consistently opening the same apps on my phone, trying to bounce from activity to activity, not wanting silence in conversations, and feeling like I had to have high energy all the time when talking with people. Overall, it felt like I was uncomfortable and running from something, not knowing what it was.

The first tool I learned to work with was awareness – to watch it all. It’s tough to make changes to something you don’t even know needs to change.

I would notice how my hands moved as I typed, what my breathing was doing, my urge to scroll through my phone, and the bottoms of my feet when I walked. Each time I practiced this, I felt more present and calm, even if I wasn’t directly addressing the issue at hand.

What helped me the most, however, was a simple, yet disciplined shift in my mindset. While still focusing on presence and awareness, I learned I had to accept what happened both within and outside of me – my emotions and my circumstances. You see that’s the craziest thing…

IT’S ALL OK!

All of it. Everything is ordinarily perfect. That headache I have, the anxiety, the nerve pain, it’s all ok. To only accept what was good in my life and deny what was bad was to create a rift and ignore half of my current reality.

The important point of spiritual practice is not to try to escape your life, but to face it – exactly and completely.

Jack Kornfield

Whenever pain or anxiety rises in my body, I acknowledge it by just saying, “It’s ok to feel anxious. It’s ok to feel pain.” It’s a tip of the cap to say I see you.

It’s bizarre. Just like that, whatever I was resisting, whatever seemed to be consuming my life, began to dissolve.

It’s similar to when you get caught in a summer rainstorm. You don’t want to get wet so you hold your jacket over your head. However, at a certain point, the jacket hasn’t helped and you’re soaked. Now you’ve gotten so wet you don’t care anymore. You put your jacket around your waist and just let the rain hit you. You can even enjoy the experience.

As soon as I was able to accept the anxiety on the first tee box I felt a calm wash over me. For the first time since I can remember, I was ok with those nerves, and in doing so, my routine and execution of the shot were fantastic.

The tension between what I was experiencing and what I thought I should be feeling melted away because I was ok with whatever was there in that moment, regardless of if it was good or bad. I felt present. I felt open.

I wish that for you too.

This is not an easy discipline to master and I certainly have much more to learn. I just keep telling myself, “It’s ok, it’s all ok.”

(A helpful book to start with is “Unwinding Anxiety” by Judson Brewer)

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