When we choose to eat a fruit do we choose the fresh or the rotten ones? The same goes for thoughts. Let’s pick a basket of ripe ones.
Jack Kornfield
We’ve grown up with the idea that if we lose or don’t perform well at something, we have to beat ourselves up. When we see an athlete that’s smiling after losing a title game, we sometimes think they just don’t care as much as the player that’s sitting in the corner sulking. I used to be someone who beat themselves up on the golf course when I hit a bad shot. I would literally call myself worthless, that I’d never be good. Now, do you think that kind of thinking made me play better? Or do you think I just developed a habit of playing even worse and having a bad time doing so?
Time and time again it’s been proven that positive reinforcement, regardless of age, sex or activity at hand, outperforms any kind of negative reinforcement. The importance of this is highlighted here in a Stanford article.
An example on how to use positive psychology to your benefit is if you want to potty train a dog, you don’t yell at the dog when they pee in the house, rather you reward it when it pees outside. If you want to become a better performer at work or just better improve your outlook in life, you can do the same. Reward yourself for picking the positive thoughts and reinforcing the positive actions you take but don’t punish yourself for ones that are less than optimal. That is the tough part, to not kick yourself when you’re down but rather look at the positives of what you’re trying to accomplish. This is self-compassion.
Self-compassion is not about being selfish and thinking of only yourself. It also doesn’t mean that it’s okay to give yourself permission to slack off and be lazy when you don’t want to work. Rather, regardless of the outcome, you will be compassionate toward yourself for the work you’ve put in.
Consequently, this allows you to be more loving toward those around you. In doing so, you generate an environment that encourages growth, giving yourself and those around you the support needed to take on physical, mental and emotional transformations. Daunting challenges now become an exciting path to inner freedom.
A Practice on Self Compassion:
Take a seat in an upright position with your hands placed gently on your lap. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself in this moment. Now you will repeat a few phrases (you can change these if you feel there is one that would be more impactful for you) and as you do so, try to feel the meaning behind each word. If you’d like you may also place a hand on your chest to draw attention to the area of your heart. You may begin to feel a warmth in your chest. Continue to repeat these statements for at least 5 minutes and notice how you begin to feel.
May I be happy. May I learn and grow from my challenges. May I be accepted just as I am. May I be loved and at peace.
This is a great exercise to use when you want to start the day off on a positive note or feel yourself getting frustrated for not getting the results you had wanted. It allows you to take a step back and take a look at what you’re doing in a non-judgmental way. Doing so helps cultivate the healthy habits you’d like to reinforce. It’s far easier to build a new healthy habit than to adjust one that’s been ingrained into your way of being over years. Give yourself the opportunity to do so with self-compassion
Self-compassion won’t come easy for those who haven’t practiced it. It might seem uncomfortable or even dauntingly impossible at first. However, stick with it because repetition is the key to change. Our mind is the only environment that we live in constantly. Why not make it a place you’d like to spend time in?
For more on this check out “The Wise Heart” By Jack Kornfield as well as this Ted talk discussing the importance of building yourself and others up through self-compassion.