Pain is innevitable. Suffering is optional.
Dalai Lama
The Buddha taught many lessons to his followers but among his most prominent was the analogy of the two arrows. He told his followers that when we experience pain — a physical illness, the loss of a loved one, or simply witnessing the suffering around us — it’s as if the world has shot an arrow into us. It hurts! The pain from this is completely normal, and it’s ok to recognize it. In fact, it’s good to acknowledge it, to let ourselves simply be with the experience of pain.
But the second arrow is one that we create ourselves. That second arrow is any thought we use to create a narrative around our pain and the event that created it. This is one way we actively resist being with the experience of pain. We try to push the feelings outside of ourselves but only when we take responsibility for the pain and look within, do we find that healing is possible.
If we are brave enough to sit with the original painful feeling (the first arrow), we can avoid creating a story around that feeling that will cause us to suffer (the second arrow). We can learn to feel the pain but not pick up the suffering alongside it. In turn, we become more proactive and effective in trying to ease the suffering of others. By taking care of our own emotions, we can help others better.
There are two kinds of suffering, the kind you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And then there is the suffering you face directly, and in doing so become free.
Ajahn Chah
Growth is not about how we just handle the external trials and tribulations, if that were the case life would be pretty easy. The true demons we battle are the fears, pain, and suffering that are only visible to us. These happen to be the battles within.
These can often be far scarier than any physical threat we might face and unfortunately, evolution hasn’t equipped us with the tools to fight these. We must learn them.
Doctors spend years in school learning how to best treat the human body, but how many classes have you taken on managing anxiety, healing from heartbreak, or processing the emotions from the loss of a loved one? A doctor can set a broken bone, but only you can do the work to mend the hurt of past and current traumas. The responsibility is ours.
This is why spiritual work can be so challenging. It pushes us to develop the necessary courage required to dive inward, into the unknown, and take responsibility for how we feel even if that means facing our worst pains.
A simple example to show you how it’s our stories rather than the actual events that cause suffering is to look at how we feel when someone cuts us off in traffic. In our minds, we tell ourselves this guy is an asshole with no respect for other people on the road. But what if you found out later that he was rushing his sick kid to the hospital? Our perspective changes because the story has changed.
The simple act of cutting you off caused you no real pain, but the story you created did. THIS is the second arrow.
How do we avoid firing the second arrow?
Our own suffering is something our subconscious mind helps us actively avoid. This is good because our subconscious mind is there to protect us. If you put your hand on a hot stove it’s doubtful that you’d leave it there. Your body would instinctively rip your hand away rather than become curious about the painful sensations.
What I’m asking you to do is to be the crazy person that leaves it on. Take anxiety for example. I think most of us can relate to having at least an ounce of it in our daily lives right now. Anxiety can feel like the world is closing in around you.
A typical reaction to anxiety is to try to escape it. You might whip out your phone, grind on some work, go get something to eat, or watch Netflix. You’re looking to distract yourself from what’s happening in this current moment. You’re essentially ripping your hand off the stove because you don’t want to leave it there to feel the pain that anxiety may be causing.
But the only way out is through.
Next time you feel a bout of anxiety I want you to do something. When you feel the anxiety come on and you begin reaching for your phone or other distraction, take a moment to pause. I want you to take a deep breath, a 4 second inhale followed by a 6 second exhale. You’re going to be ok just sitting with the feelings. Breathe deep into your belly. Pay attention to the anxiety. Don’t let your mind wander. I want you to focus directly on it.
You see many of our fears are like the villain of a horror movie. There’s a reason why they don’t show Freddy Kruger or Michael Meyers walking around during the day or on their commute to “work” to terrorize people. The fear they invoke is actually caused by the suspense of what they’re doing in the shadows. It’s the unknown that is actually scaring us.
This power is lost when direct light is shown upon them. Michael Meyers would be a lot less scary if you were to see him walking on a beach in the Caribbean rather than through a dark house.
In knowing this, anxiety and fear, can become a training aid in our road to self-mastery. When we summon the courage to look at our fears, they lose their power and nothing remains of the story we’ve told about them. It’s just us.
Frank Herbert, the writer of Dune, said it best…
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
By looking directly at your suffering, you leave your hand on this hot stovetop not to see what the pain feels like, but rather to see the suffering you’ve been experiencing doesn’t actually exist.
We’ve all seen people who have terminal cancer, lost limbs in accidents, or living in horrible conditions somehow be a beacon of light in their community. You can see the joy and love radiating from their very souls. These people are not different from us. But they have taken control of the stories that they tell themselves and you can too.
It’s not the event that dictates how we feel but our attitude toward it.
When you take the time to sit with your pain, your fears, you find that you have the strength to not only endure them but become a stronger version of yourself in the process.
Gain an understanding of your mind and the world will bend to you.
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